Before going to the US...

This may be the first time that I write something really personal on this blog. 

I just wanted to write it to kind of clarify my thoughts. 

 For the last 2 years, I've been so scared to become arrogant (although I already was and am).  I didn't know how to make a balance between confidence and arrogance.

I couldn't be entirely confident.  I couldn't believe in myself.  But didn't want to show it in front of people, which made myself even more arrogant.

Since last summer, I was so depressed all the time because I knew I was so arrogant, but didn't know how to become modest even though I really wanted to.  I tried so many different things, but couldn't find the answers.  The gap between who I want to be and who I actually am was just getting bigger and bigger.  I also knew the fact is modesty is not something you get because you wish to, but you have it because you are genuinely modest. 

One of the reasons why I came to Malta was because I was just so depressed and didn't want to stay at the place where I was.  So I thought this could be a chance that can change myself.  Well I really wanted to go abroad and got the great job here.  That's the reason as well of course.

Anyway, I was just so depressed, just hated myself, and didn't really want to communicate with people because I didn't want to embarrass myself by having this arrogant character that looks down on others even though I don't mean to.  

But I think I might have found the answer the other night when I was watching one of the interviews of Natalie Portman on Youtube.

She said "The reason why I'm here and doing this acting job is because it just happened.  I didn't do anything, but it's just a coincidence.  I'm just so lucky.  Even for the first audition for Leon, I was just so lucky.  I got interested in the role because I was just so obsessed with theatre.  It's all about coincidence.  That's the only reason I'm here.  That's why I have to thank that coincidence."

And this reminded me of what my mum said to me when I was about 15.

"Remember when you were little, you just loved films.  That's the only reason why you started speaking English and got interested in going abroad.  You just wanted to be a part of films and watched whatever you liked again and again, and even imitated what they were saying even though you didn't understand it.  Life is all about coincidence.  If you didn't like films, then you wouldn't be where you are now.  You meet your talents or things you get obsessed with by the coincidence.  You are just so lucky.  You have to appreciate the fact you already got something that you are really obsessed with no matter what happens in your life."

It is such a basic thing.  But I totally forgot about it.  

I used to think everything happened because I tried hard or I did something; it was all about myself.

But the truth is it's not me, it's just a coincidence.  I've been just so lucky and have to appreciate it.  I honestly thank that I got something that I can be really obsessed with and passionate about in my life.  

There is another thing I really have to thank about, the biggest thing in my life, which is people I met and will meet in my life.  I've been given so many great opportunities to meet the great people in the world.   

For the last 2 years, I just forgot to thank people and thank every single coincidence I came across.  I believe the last year's depression was to make me realise how important thanking people is.  

I booked a flight to the US last night.  I really appreciate that I found the answer before going to the US.  

"Who you know, who knows you, is what you are worth"

"Life is all about who you know, not what you know"

I've known those quotes since last year, but I think finally truly understand what they mean now.

This trip to the US is not just "a networking trip", but "a thanking people trip"  I used to think I only have to trust myself because that's MY life, but couldn't really trust myself. Of course not.  Because the truth is it's not about trusting myself; it's about trusting and respecting others by thanking them, thanking every single moment and coincidence.  


I'm just remaking my business card now because it's not "all about Ayumism", but about people I meet.